How To Mess Up Your Kids

With the impending birth of our first child, I've been thinking a lot about what kind of parents we will be, and how not to screw this up. Spending time recently travelling to visit with friends and family has made me realize, I probably don't want my kid to end up like me, my siblings or friends, but how do I avoid this. I’ve resisted the urging of my psychologist and dug deep into my memory of my childhood to think of the things that traumatized me most and made me the shell of a man I am today. Here is a list of ways that I think we can really screw this kid up.

Watch the Wizard of Oz. What kind of a twisted mind writes this type of book, flying monkeys, unionized midgets and a homicidal green-hewed woman with an extreme allergy to water. I did not do enough drugs as a kid to really learn to like this movie.
Read Where The Red Fern Grows.
I swear I have never seen people cry like they do when they read this book. Why do we feel it’s a good idea to build children up with tales of animal friendships only to give them the emotional scars they receive when a pet dies, let alone two of them in a week? Damn you Little Ann, eat, eat. I cried like a little bi!@& reading this book.
Labyrinth. Muppets, birds eating their eyes out, flatulating rocks and David Bowie's prominently displayed package; sounds like a great kids movie.
Let them watch anything on VH1 or MTV. I don't think we have enough penicillin in the house to let our kid watch this crap. I Love Gonorrhea, Flavor of Chlamydia, Rock of Syphilis and all the other "reality" shows will warp your kids more than anything. Why not just order the Spice channel and let John Mark Karr watch your kids.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oompa Loompas still freak me out.
Any rated R movie for toddlers. I know someone, who will remain anonymous, who was shown "Missing In Action", a great Chuck Norris war movie when they were under eight years old and had a nightmare so bad that they defecated in their bed. That is fantastic parenting.

Spoil your kids with love and encourage their creative urges. I remember the days when parents were honest with their kids and actually disciplined them for doing things wrong. It seems like these days kids are rewarded for bad behavior and parents are supposed to dismiss the terrible things kids do. Writing on the walls is no longer punished, but encouraged as it lets kids develop their creative personalities. All you have to do is watch American Idol tryouts to see what happens when we let kids run amok and constantly tell kids they are special and talented instead of being honest. Do you really want your child to end up like these miscreants?

What other terrible parenting traits should we avoid? Should we beat our kids? Will we be terrible parents? Can I fight crime with my washboard abs and boyish good looks? Please discuss these topics in the comment section.


Brooke said...

It seems to me like you've got the whole parenting thing figured out. In fact, I think you might even have a book deal in the future - The Writing in NOT on the Walls: Raising Well-Behaved, Humble Children. However, I think your way off on the VH1 thing. Ethan is learning all about the birds and the bee's from Brett Michaels and his horde of whores. It makes my job a lot easier.

Melissa said...

I see a Father of the Year award in your future.

I agree with everything, especially Where the Red Fern Grows. Worst childrens book ever. EVER. Maybe it is forced upon us to that the bad ass little boys will realize it's ok to cry?

Anonymous said...

First things first me and trisha are extremely offended that you wouldn't want your little girl to end up like us! How dare you say such a thing! I think possibly your childhood was messed up, but not your siblings! Oh, who am I kidding! I guess when all is said and done, I am probably not the best for advice in parenting since I am pretty sure that both of my boys are turning out just as messed up as all of my brothers!

Steve said...

Good thing you didn't tell everyone who exactly had that terrible nightmare. That was probably embarassing enough being that that person was 18 years old when it happened!!!(the second time.) He might play out that whole nightmare for real on yo punk @$$!!

jared said...

I'm not sure how I missed this post, but it is all true nonetheless. The only thing I would add is anything on the Disney Channel that is not animated. That channel is a pedophiles non-subscription porno channel, or so I'm told. The most current theme is "Miley Cyrus has breasts!"