Heaven Really Does Exist!!!

Dear Mr/Mrs Postal Worker,

Just a quick note to inform you of some changes that might affect delivery to our home.
First of all, let me say Thank You for the daily hard work you provide in bringing me my mail, even though 95% of it is applications for credit cards with companies I already currently possess a card through...I just wanted to let you know I am grateful for the timely and courteous delivery. Although, it would be nice to have my weekly EW delivered on the same day every week, but I can let that one go, knowing what I will probably put you through now that my dream has been fulfilled.
I would like to apologize for any of your future health problems that may arise as a result. If you would like I can check into one of those back safety belt things? You know, the ones wrestlers and furniture movers wear? I have a feeling you might need one if you continue delivering mail to my house.

Thank you in advance,



Lessons Learned

I should always start on a post that follows one of Mark's with a simple.... "I'm sorry". Right? :o)
I know he has some more to come, but I don't think they will offend nearly as many people as that last one may have. Thankfully most people who read this know Mark and can just shrug and say "Oh Mark!"...for those of you who don't know Mark...well you'll just think whatever you want I guess.
Alright, so on to a new topic.
This weekend Mark and I decided to do something very different and very unexpected for people like us. We went out! And not just to Target, or to dinner (mind you we did do both of those things...) No, we went out OUT. Late on Thursday I discovered a show going on downtown on Saturday that I wanted to go to, but I debated because of the price and that maybe it wouldn't be the best show...I went back and forth, but then Thursday night I decided "gosh darn it, we're going! We never do anything!" So Friday I bought the tickets (thank you American Express rewards) and we awaited Saturday night to come upon us.
Now I love me some Kids in the Hall, and yes they are not the most reverent, kid friendly comedy troupe, but I figured their show would get a PG-13 rating...a few swears, some jokes about sex, mix in some politics and religion...typical fodder for comedians these days. My first clue should have been the 3 or 4 F-bombs dropped in the first skit. I figured okay, moving on...nope. I don't think one skit was F word free. Oh no, I think there were one or two. Regardless, had that been it, whatever, drunk people love swearing apparently. It was the combination of swearing, sex, a skit combining those things with cars (don't ask)... just some things I could have done without. On the opposite side, these are 5 funny guys and there were many skits that were Hi.lar.ious! Headcrusher, Chicken Lady...the dancing... but when they seem to be few and far between, it is hard to feel like it was a worthwhile night.

Here is my beef with shows (all sorts, musicals, dramas, comedies any sort), you just never know what you're going to get. The best example I can think of is Bob Saget. If the only experience you've had with Bob is through Full House or his hosting duties on America's Funniest Home Videos, I don't recommend going to catch his live show. I have never been but I have seen enough interviews with him to know that his show is completely not suitable for anyone under 18. Quite a surprise when you see a lot of his body of work. Now if you were to go to a Chris Rock show...you kind of know what you're going to get. He has never portrayed himself as a squeaky clean, take me home to your mother, type comedian - you know what you're in for.

No one needs to tell me I am a prude, I admit it. I don't like a lot of swearing, and discussions and simulations of sex doesn't get me laughing...I may have been the only one in the theatre not laughing at times...although that might have to do with the fact that Mark and I were probably the only sober ones in attendance!! I'm not someone who thinks people can't go out and enjoy whatever kind of comedy they want, I just want to know what I am walking into and if it is going to be worth my money. Why can't plays/shows put a sort of "ratings" system...not one that keeps people out, but just one that gives people an opportunity to know what they are going to experience. What if someone wanted to bring their 16 year old? Some people might think the show would be fine for a 16 year old, but I certainly don't think so. When I go to the movies and pay my admittance fee, I have an idea of what I am gong to see most of the time and can make the decision if I want to or not...but if I go to a new Broadway show, I have no idea if it is full of bad language, sex...or whatever. I just want a heads up, is that too much? It doesn't mean you have to limit who comes to your show, just let us know what we can expect!

I really wanted this post to be some raving, glorious review of the show and the fact Mark and I actually went out...but I just couldn't do it. Everyone has their line of what they find acceptable and not, and I am not here to censor it. I just know what works and doesn't work for me...and I guess I will just stick to reruns of the Kids on Comedy Central from now on for my KITH fix. I think Bruce, Scott, Mark, Kevin and Dave are super funny guys (ever watch Newsradio - loved Dave Foley on that show) and are very talented, I recommend giving their TV show a shot...and if you're not as prudish as I am, check them out on tour, they got standing O after standing O...people love 'em! Wow, this makes me sound old, boring and a great big stick in the mud, doesn't it!! Oh well, someone has to claim the title! :o)


Mark's going to Hell

Finally MormonAds I can put on my wall. Courtesy of http://www.somethingawful.com/. (There are plenty others out there, but most of them are not appropriate enough for even me to post, so read them at your own risk.)


How To Mess Up Your Kids

With the impending birth of our first child, I've been thinking a lot about what kind of parents we will be, and how not to screw this up. Spending time recently travelling to visit with friends and family has made me realize, I probably don't want my kid to end up like me, my siblings or friends, but how do I avoid this. I’ve resisted the urging of my psychologist and dug deep into my memory of my childhood to think of the things that traumatized me most and made me the shell of a man I am today. Here is a list of ways that I think we can really screw this kid up.

Watch the Wizard of Oz. What kind of a twisted mind writes this type of book, flying monkeys, unionized midgets and a homicidal green-hewed woman with an extreme allergy to water. I did not do enough drugs as a kid to really learn to like this movie.
Read Where The Red Fern Grows.
I swear I have never seen people cry like they do when they read this book. Why do we feel it’s a good idea to build children up with tales of animal friendships only to give them the emotional scars they receive when a pet dies, let alone two of them in a week? Damn you Little Ann, eat, eat. I cried like a little bi!@& reading this book.
Labyrinth. Muppets, birds eating their eyes out, flatulating rocks and David Bowie's prominently displayed package; sounds like a great kids movie.
Let them watch anything on VH1 or MTV. I don't think we have enough penicillin in the house to let our kid watch this crap. I Love Gonorrhea, Flavor of Chlamydia, Rock of Syphilis and all the other "reality" shows will warp your kids more than anything. Why not just order the Spice channel and let John Mark Karr watch your kids.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oompa Loompas still freak me out.
Any rated R movie for toddlers. I know someone, who will remain anonymous, who was shown "Missing In Action", a great Chuck Norris war movie when they were under eight years old and had a nightmare so bad that they defecated in their bed. That is fantastic parenting.

Spoil your kids with love and encourage their creative urges. I remember the days when parents were honest with their kids and actually disciplined them for doing things wrong. It seems like these days kids are rewarded for bad behavior and parents are supposed to dismiss the terrible things kids do. Writing on the walls is no longer punished, but encouraged as it lets kids develop their creative personalities. All you have to do is watch American Idol tryouts to see what happens when we let kids run amok and constantly tell kids they are special and talented instead of being honest. Do you really want your child to end up like these miscreants?

What other terrible parenting traits should we avoid? Should we beat our kids? Will we be terrible parents? Can I fight crime with my washboard abs and boyish good looks? Please discuss these topics in the comment section.


15 Minutes and Counting

In all of Mark's busy-ness (read: watching youtube videos instead of doing his actual work), why do I think it will be awhile before he actually posts one if his "blog ideas"? Perhaps these are all figments of his imagination playing around in his head when it is not overwhelmed with videos of monkeys, rabid Easter bunnies, police tasers and random Canadian comedy groups singing about Halifax.
I am sure he means well, but I don't think we'll be seeing anything from him in the near future (we better not unless he gets those calls made about getting Air Conditioning installed into my house - pronto - or he might not be heard from for a very long time indeed)!

Speaking of not hearing not hearing from someone for a long time...when exactly does someone's 15 minutes of fame end? I am guessing sooner than a lot of people want it to, so they do anything to keep it going, even if no one cares.

(how funny is it that there is a Chicken Soup for the Soul - American Idol edition?? I thought it was a gag that www.ew.com was to be credited for- but boy was I wrong!)



I guess it's like all the other "reality" show "celebs" who just don't seem to go away (Flav, New York, Tia, Paris, I am talking to you!), they'll do anything to keep the public from forgetting them and extend their 15 minutes. I'm still waiting for my 15 minutes, so as soon as I achieve that, I will let you know how I plan on extending it!!


Passing the Buck

If you've read the news over the weekend, looks like the subject of my previous post, was indeed a stunt, although the "artist" of it claims she really did what the article claims. Either way, whether done, or done as a "commentary", I suppose she succeeded in getting people to talk. Still not sure how it would be classified as art, but I guess that brings about the age old debate of "what is art" - to each their own right? Hopefully not in this case.

Now that that is done...on to bigger and better. I keep hearing Mark say that he has a billion blog ideas (and that one might actually be written, but not posted), so I now turn the time over to him while I wait to see what controversy and mayhem he can stir up!


Statement? Art? Stunt?

So, anyone who knows me, knows I am not a very opinionated, out-spoken person. Oh wait, that's a big lie...everyone who knows me, knows I AM an opinonated, out-spoken person. I am usually the one with the differing political view, restaurant recommendation, movie suggestion, etc.,etc.
I do try though not to get too into political debates and discussions, but sometimes I hear or read something that I think needs to be commented on. I still remember the night sitting at the Vetter's years back and Mark was having a conversation with another person, who I don't think I had ever met before (Kyndra, this would be Dug), and he and Mark were discussing, gambling along with a variety of other topics. Now, when I don't know someone at all, I will usually try to be a little calm and reserved, but whatever it was that night, I unleashed on Dug and his opinions. No holds barred. Poor Dug. I'm not sure he knew what to make of me and my opinions ...but you know, I didn't care. Thankfully I think he was okay with me, because every time he saw me after that he said hi and we'd always chat!
Anyway, the point of my rant is an article I read today. Even if there is something I don't like, or don't "get", I can usually see how someone else might like it (i.e. modern art), however what I read today...I don't think I am a closed-minded person, and maybe someone might think I am being closed-minded on this, but I will be okay with that label this one time. I don't know how anyone can see this as anything other than horrific (I will keep my opinion to my one word of horrific because I am not sure blogspot has enough room for me to elaborate - although I would really love to go off with all of the ideas spinning through my head right now).

Take a read - tell me what you think.


This Weeks Vocabulary Lesson

dis·ap·point·ment (from http://www.dictionary.com/)
1. the act or fact of disappointing: All of his efforts only led to the disappointment of his supporters.
2. the state or feeling of being disappointed: Her disappointment was very great when she didn't get the job.
3. a person or thing that disappoints: The play was a disappointment.
[Origin: 1605–15; disappoint + -ment]
—Synonyms 1. failure, defeat, frustration.

dis-ap-point-ment (from Melanie)
1. walking into DSW armed with 2 coupons, a gift card and birthday money; leaving DSW with a simple pair of keds and a pair of shoes for Mark (why do we always leave with a pair for him even if we entered strictly for the purpose of expanding my shoe collection??)

hope (from http://www.dictionary.com/)
1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2. a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3. grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5. something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope. –verb (used with object)
6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7. to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory. –verb (used without object)
8. to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.
9. Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in). —Idiom
10. hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for a change in her condition.
[Origin: bef. 900; (n.) ME; OE hopa; c. D hoop, G Hoffe; (v.) ME hopen, OE hopian] —Related forms
hoper, noun
hop·ing·ly, adverb
—Synonyms 1. expectancy, longing. 8. See expect.

hope (from Melanie)
1. the knowledge that next week DSW will have received a new shipment of shoes that will allow me to find that ever ellusive perfect flat (but not totally flat), and that next pair of jealousy enducing perfect heels.


Like Giving Candy to a Baby...Can I have Some??

Scene: Empty room except for a table.
Enter: Small child alone.
Enter: Big, Mean adult with a plate full of warm, aromatic, yummy cookies.
Big Mean Adult "Small Child - Do NOT touch the yummy cookies"
Exit: Big, Mean Adult
Scenario: Small child left to untangle the dichotomy of "To Eat or Not To Eat" the cookies....

This is the scenario I find myself in. Why is it that I can go weeks upon weeks without ever eating a cookie, candy, cake, pie...etc, but as soon as you tell me I can't, all I want is chips and lemon squares. Not to mention anything else made from a bread substance, is sweet and/or full of sugary goodness!!

The body is a funny thing, and right now it is the only one finding itself funny. Is it funny to tell a girl, a pregnant girl nonetheless, that she has to severly limit her carb intake? Or that she can't have that last piece of her birthday ice cream cake? I call that cruel and unusual punishment. But oh no, not my body, it openly laughs and mocks my misery.

I don't consider myself lucky. I've never won any holiday office drawing, or concert ticket giveaways...new cars...nothing. However give me a shot at getting something that only 4% of pregnant women get, and I am ALL over it!! I guess someone has to be on the receiving end of a cruel joke, and sad for me, I am one of the bottom dwellers this time around.
So if you see me around in the next two months and I seem a little sad, a tad grumpy, or darn right violent... you might want to run the other way.


Two Thumbs?

How often do you go to the movies? We maybe go twice a year. This year we've seen Cloverfield (Mark liked it, not me) and ...I think that's it so far. I wouldn't be surprised if we didn't go again in 2008. We're just not big movie people. I used to go to the movies ALL the time when I was living at home, and on my own (pre-married days). Not sure if it was the completely opposite movie interests between me and the husband, or the outrageous prices we encountered while living in New York City that hindered the outings. Whatever it was, it made me think about what kind of movie made me HAVE to go see it RIGHT.NOW. I've come up with an answer. None. Seriously. It used to be that once a movie left the theatre, it came out on video a year or more later. I remember going to see Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet when it came out in the theatre (one of my favourite movies) and thinking "I MUST own that movie". That was 1996. Flash forward to 1998, living in Victoria, BC. Walking into HMV and asking if they had the video in stock. I was surprised to find out that it could be ordered but it would cost about $100. Or I could wait 3 months and it would be released to stores for $25 or whatever it cost back then. These days, it takes what? About 6 months to go from big screen to DVDs at Best Buy? Why pay $10 or so to go to the theatre when I can wait, pay $4 to rent it and be disappointed at a fraction of the price? I guess there is nothing out there that screams "See me NOW" to me, And I am too cheap to waste $10 on a movie that will probably leave me shrugging my shoulders (see: Cloverfield).

What movies would some people be a little tepid about admitting they love, but secretly have DVDs of them stashed behind today's hits? Me? Neverending Story, Flight of the Navigator (I still need this one), Labyrinth (yes Mark, I know David Bowie and the unnecessary crotch shots startle you to no end), Goonies, Lost Boys (can't believe they are updating this without Corey Haim!!! What is this world coming to??)... OK, so I don't shy away from admitting I love these movies..I will also admit to loving Bring It On (the original - it sucks me in when it is on USA) and Bend It Like Beckham (HIlarious!). I am not ashamed.

So what movies make you flock to the theatre for the newest release? Have you ever slept/waited in line for a movie to open just so you can go on opening day?
What movies do you secretly (or publicly) love that might make people think twice about your taste?
Or do you only go to the movies for the buttered popcorn?


Q: 31

A: How many rings you would count if we cut Mel in two.
I just wanted to post a quick note to tell Melanie happy birthday today. Congratulations, you get swollen ankles and a big let down from your husband. (The let down happens just about every year, but the swollen ankles is new.) Two years ago I suprised Mel with tickets to Paris for her birthday, last year she was able to get out of NYC and this year she gets to quit her job and have a baby. It seems like she always gets presents that are loud, rude and smell funny or she gets to leave something that she doesn't like. Next year I'll wrap myself in a big bow for her birthday, or she'll file for divorce, maybe both.

It's hard to believe my baby momma is turning 31 today. I feel like we are still just a couple of dumb kids. It seems like just the other day we were cruising along jamming Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby". Actually we were just doing that. Here's a little birthday gift for everyone out there, download Vanilla Ice and rock it in the car or on your ipod in the subway this summer. I challenge you to find a cooler song, he seriously rocks a mic like a vandal. When Mel pulled it up on the ipod I got the biggest cat eating s#!^ grin on my face, I probably looked something like this little devil.
Mel may be getting older, but she is still the same spunky chick I fell in love with approximately 7 years ago. One of our early dates was on her birthday and we went to Maddox in Brigham City, little did I know Mel didn't like rustic restaurants and the thought of eating Buffalo meat made her sick, but I'm glad she stuck it out with me. (Warning, sentimental thoughts are coming up.) That year she also recieved a dozen cream roses with hints of red with the following poem:
The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love;
O' the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove.
But I send you a cream-white rosebud
With a flush on its petal tips;
For the love that is purest and sweetest
Has a kiss of desire on the lips.
I love you more today than ever. Have a wonderful birthday. I look forward to many, many more to come. Even though we are getting older I will always think of you as my hot Canadian chick. Happy Birthday.


Decisions Decisions

I've had a few people mention to me that I shouldn't let Mark blog anymore. I have to say the response to his blogging makes me laugh. He doesn't seem to like my suggestion of starting his own blog (free of censoring!) - he thinks he'll lose his reader(s). Mark and I have definite blog style differences, but that's what the world needs right, differences? I am sure someone out there appreciates the thought Mark puts into his blogs and wishes he would blog more...right?

Are the lack of comments due to his topics, the utter shock you're left in after reading them, or because you're on the ground laughing at him and can't hit the comment button?

What do you think, should we continue to let him blog, or should he start his own wacky, read-at-your-own-risk blog? Speak up and let me know!