Most of our readers are aware that Melanie and I are expecting our first child in June, a little girl. As I’ve watched Melanie’s body change with the pregnancy I’ve had a chance to contemplate my life and the things that are important. I recently posted my thoughts on pregnancy pet peeves and included a picture of my own growing table muscle. This picture and a period of introspection have made me realize that I am turning into a fat, disgusting pig of a man. If you need proof of this then just click on the above link and scroll to the bottom of the post, I dare you. Exactly a year ago I embarked on a journey to change my health and I was very successful, losing 39 pounds in nine weeks. Unfortunately the graphical representation of my weight in 2007 is a parabola (for those that graduated from Idaho public schools, like me, that’s a shape like a U). It was just after the holidays that I realized that I had really let myself go when I cut my finger and gravy came out. I made up excuses for my laziness, such as “a beautiful tool deserves a nice tool shed” and “I need some winter insulation in Minnesota”, but I’m afraid it is just laziness.
Late last summer my hobbies changed from taking a five mile run to mainlining bacon grease, struggling to breathe and crashing office birthday parties saying things like “I wun summa dat cake”. I have seriously thought about getting a bench to go in the shower because that much work makes me light-headed. Over the last year I have shown extreme dedication to both sides of the health coin, losing weight and getting healthy in a short amount of time and absolutely letting yourself go. If you are looking for advice on how to get back in shape, then please consult Bob and Jillian, if you are looking for the perfect recipe to become, as Mel calls me, a fatty fat fat then keep reading. There are a few things that you are going to need in this endeavor: a blind or forgiving spouse, an internet connection, stretchy pants and a fondness for loose stools.
Here are three simple steps to a life of celibacy and bed sores:
Step one: You must change the way you look at food. There are now only three food groups, carbs, pork and mystery creams. The carb group is very important, one of my favorite recipes is to get a loaf of white bread, peel the crust off each piece and discard it, squish all of the remaining middle pieces together into one fantastic bread ball and enjoy. Refined flour is one of nature’s miracles, natural and good for you. Don’t be afraid to experiment with foods in the carb group, as the Simpsons say,”Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop Tarts”. The pork group entails anything that comes from a pig, would be eaten by a pig and sounds like it maybe has something to do with pigs. My two staples from this group are bacon and pork rinds. Bacon is like salt, it goes on every meal. Anything that is not served with bacon should at least be cooked in its grease. The last food group contains anything with a mystery cream in it such as Twinkies, most Little Debbie snacks and my personal favorite Zingers. Zingers are twinkies with frosting for overachievers. Zingers are to snack foods what Britney Spears is to child stars. Many fatties are know to skip the actual food surrounding the cream and go right to eating frosting out of the can.
Step two: Laziness. There are countless ways to encourage sloth in your life; buy a bigscreen, blog, play World of Warcraft, become a Democrat, learn to totally pown n00bs, use your speakerphone, really try to improve your Second Life, manage a fantasy baseball team, subscribe to O magazine, develop your Ghost Whisperer skills, coach Notre Dame football, etc.
Step three: Come to grips with reality. This is a long hard process that will take the most intense mental effort you have ever exerted. You will be tempted at times to rejoin society by actually being active, putting clothes on over your underwear and wiping after defecating, but do not fall into this trap. These are the best days of your life. You should emphasise your new look by wearing a t-shirt while swimming, tucking the bottom half of your stomach into your too tight pants, thus showing off your FUPA, and if you are female, by going braless. Contrary to popular belief, stretch marks aren’t just for pregnant ladies. There are countless advantages that you have over your peers now, extra time to watch soap operas, the freedom to get all the cats you want, no fear of contracting STD’s and you don’t have to save for retirement because you will be dead long before that.