Pregnancy Pet Peeves

Ever since announcing our pregnancy, (is it safe to say "ours" if all I really did was 60 seconds of hard labor?), we have been bombarded with an onslaught of stupid comments, questions and suggestions. As I have previously stated, the majority of this blogs readers are females who write blogs of their own to keep grandparents and others up to date on what is happening with their kid. I do not want this blog to turn into a scrap booking project. You will never see pictures of the baby’s first poop or discussions about whether Carter’s or Baby Gap has cuter onesies. I think that having a kid and a boring blog are not mutually exclusive, therefore I will still be posting my thoughts from time-to-time trying to offend people and keep the blog lighthearted.

Now, back to the stupid things people ask or say when they are around pregnant couples and my responses so we can avoid any awkwardness.

Had you been trying very long?
There is no easy answer to this; “Yes, Mel and I have been having unprotected bareback, jungle-monkey sex for the past three months” seems slightly out of line and “No, the damn thing broke” doesn’t give a good impression of being happy expectant parents. If you really want to know what our sex life is like then please visit our other blog: www.mindyourowndamnbusiness.blogspot.com

It’s going to be expensive.
Really? I had no idea. Trust me, I’ve done the math and babies are not an asset in your financial portfolio.

Are you excited?
No. Creating life and exerting all of your strength and energy to turn it into a normal functioning human being are things we typically do all the time. I really haven’t even thought about it that much.

Do you think it will be a boy or girl?
Flip a coin and I will give you a completely arbitrary answer, but if it is hermaphroditic we will probably cut something off and call Jamie Lee Curtis.

Are you scared?

Are you ready?
No, we are not ready. It is highly likely that we will mess this up just as badly as your parents did. Now, bugger off. This seems like a strange question for someone to ask me if they know me at all. Just read any of my blog entries and you will realize that there is no way that I should be given any living creature to look after. Seven years ago I was living in Ogden, UT shooting my couch with a .357 before driving to Wendover to spend the weekend gambling. Yeah, I think I’m ready.

Are you going to find out the sex?
Of course we are. If you knew you had a large tumor growing in your body would you want to find out if it was malignant or benign? Or do you want to wait and be surprised? Advances in medicine are meant to be used, but you were probably too weak from your last bloodletting to read that memo.

Touching the belly.
Do not touch Melanie’s belly. I just want to warn those who didn’t read her previous post. This is a huge pet peeve of hers and she will probably break your hand if you try. This seems like the most inappropriate thing that a stranger could do; if you violate her personal space it is highly likely that she will violate your rectum with her foot.

In keeping with the pregnancy topic of this blog I thought it might be fun to post pictures of our growing pregnancy belly. This is me at 17 weeks.
Now women viewers can be grossed out every month by our blog the same way male readers are grossed out when they see large, often stretch marked pregnancy bare-belly updates.


Holly Hancey said...

Sooo funny. I agree. I don't like bare belly pictures. Or maybe I forgot to take one after 10 months and now have some sort of deep hidden jealousy?...Nope, I just don't like them.

Trisha Martin said...

I was just starting to think..."maybe Mark is ready to grow up and be a responsible parent..." well, thanks for shooting that idea straight to heck! For Mel's sake, I'm hoping this kid is nothing like it's father, but the evil side of me really wants you to have to raise a son that is exactly like you. It may humble you a bit. I can tell by the belly pic that this pregnancy is really taking its toll on your "old man" body.

Erin said...

I always love it when Mel posts something fun or interesting. But you sure did get me laughing. You're hilarious.

Stephen and Katherine Heggie said...

I am not quite sure I know what to say about this post. I have been left speechless by the belly picture, and the comment about your "60 seconds of hard labor". When I think to myself that you couldn't possibly top your previous posts you go and pull this out. You have quite the mind Mark, it entertains me as much as it scares me!

The Porter's said...

Oh how you two crack me up with every post...

The Vetters in Manhattan said...

Hmmmm, what do i say?..........LOL.

A. "This is why we love Mark!"

B. "Poor kid."

C. "Poor Melanie"

D. "Lookin good for seventeen weeks."

I think that all of the anwers apply. LOL.

Alisha and Dave said...

Two things... I loved the comment about 60 seconds of hard labour and I am impressed that you know what onesies are.
Aside from me, you are one of the funniest people I know.

Krista said...

Oh, I know! We were dying about the 60 seconds of hard labor part. Way to step up to the plate, man! You are the funniest and crudest blogger around. Love it.

Dawnell said...

I wish I was in MN so I could see if your food baby is kicking yet. I breathlessly await the next 23 weeks of photos.

P.S. Those belly pics do have some use. Once you have the baby and still feel fat you can look at the 40 week one and feel skinnier. It's just that the whole world doesn't have to see them.

Nachelle said...

Oh Mark, how we miss you and your inappropriate comments, the funny thing is I didn't look who typed this entry at first and assumed it was Mel and was shocked at first that she was typing some of this stuff, then it hit me, this is Mark...no shock at all :)

Melissa said...

Mel - please post something new so I don't have to keep looking at Mark's 17 week belly! PLEASE!
Mark - you are one crude dude. Hate to tell you that my uncle trumps you in every statement you made alluding to your destructive parenting skills and he is the best father I know. It shocked all of us. And I have a feeling you will be the same.

The Jackson Three said...

we definitely need to set up some sort of sensor for you blog so that we know when Mark is blogging again!