My Blog's Been Stolen!!!

Now I don't usually like to admit that I sometimes read online celeb trash, but I do. Imagine my surprise when mousing my way through it... I see THIS!!!!
I've been plagerized by an online celeb gossiper!!! I've been saying it since the first time he was shown on Idol AND I posted about it like a week earlier!!
Is this the beginning of my online celebridom???

Excuse Me, But Do I Know You From Somewhere?

So the annual American Idol ritual has started...how long will it be until I boycott this hot mess?? Probably not for awhile, so until then I have to find things to amuse myself while the show is on. This season has not failed to get off to a quick start. And I'm not even talking about the actual "talent" on the show!! Why didn't anyone report that Jessica Alba was a contestant?? Am I the only one to notice? I would have thought ET, Access Hollywood and The Insider would have been all over this! Celebrity hawking is not just for Dancing With the Stars anymore!! I guess she needs a new avenue for exposure since her movies haven't fared too well at the box office.

I wonder how well she will do? Think she will make it to the Top 12? Will she wow the judges or be one of the first to go? And more importantly, why is she singing for the boys side??

What?? That's NOT Jessica Alba? Are you sure? Maybe you should look again....maybe I should look again.
Ok, maybe it's not her...but has anyone told HIM that he is not Jessica Alba?

Can You Hear Me NOW??

Ok, so I was tired of seeing "Fatty Fat Fat" everytime I logged into this blog of ours, and since our internet and phone have been out at home for the last 3 days - there hasn't been a lot of time for new entries!! It's a cop-out to post a Tag for an update, but I'm at work early, and it's the easiest thing to do! I'll get back to random rants when we have power at home!
Ok, here we go

*What is his full name?
Mark Eric Smith - although on our first trip to my parents house after getting married, we had to fill out our customs forms or something, and as he was filling his out I glanced over and saw him write "Mark Erik Smith" - I thought "oh no! I've been spelling his name wrong!!" until I saw him stop, look at his name, look at me and say "that's not how I spell my middle name!"

*How long have you been married?
7 years in August

*How long did you date?
Longer than some, shorter than others!!

*Who eats more sweets?
I try not to keep sweets in the house for this exact reason - we'll eat them!! Depends on the sweet, if it is peanut M&M's I will have them devoured in a matter of seconds. If it's Red Vines (gag) I will never touch them and Mark will inhale them. We're probably pretty even on the sweets thing...but I am going to point my finger slightly more at Mark on this one.

*Who said I love you first?
I believe Mark did. While we were sitting on my roommate's couch which oddly enough is now our spare couch.

*How old is he?
29, but during summer months he ages rapidly to the ripe old age of 83 as he mows his lawn, and feeds his birds.

*Who is taller?
Am I wearing heels? Mark is taller but only by a couple of inches.

*Who is smarter?
Working on campus has its advantages...when Mark first asked me out, I had access to student records where I worked, so of course I looked him up. I like to tease him that I did better in Math than he did!! But we both have our smart areas... anything finance, business related I whole heartedly give it to Mark (not that I am stupid with it, I could just care less) but regarding all matters that don't matter...it's all me! And University Math of course! :o)

*Who can sing better?
Neither of us. If a gun was put to my head and I had to choose, I would pick me, but only by a hair.

*Who does the laundry?
However I answer this will stir up contention, but I will try to be as honest as I can. It goes back and forth. When we first moved to NYC, it was all Mark because I was not going to the laundromat in the neighbourhood we lived in. So Mark would hike down and do the laundry and I would put it all away. When we moved to RI and I was still unemployed, I did it. Even after getting a job in NYC, I would do more laundry than he would. In our apartment in MN, before I got my job, it was me, but now that we are in the house...it's Mark. I'll do it if it needs to be done...but that comes down to "do I have any underwear left?"

*Who pays the bills?
That would be me. Mr. Finance man doesn't touch them.

*Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?
Both sides of our current bed are wrong. The new bed comes this weekend (yay!!), I'll let you know then.

*Who mows the lawn?
Mark. I am banned from lawnmowing. OK, so it is a self-imposed ban, but after the mowing incident at my parents, my Dad told me to never mow again, so I haven't.

*Who cooks dinner?
Usually Papa John does and under 30 minutes!! Ok, not true, but he is on our short list of Smith household chefs. I make most dinner, but Mark will cook once or twice a week.

*Who is more stubborn?
Does that even need an answer? I'm pretty sure anyone reading this knows who is more stubborn out of the two of us. But just in case someone doesn't, it's me. No need to try and deny, it is a God given talent of mine, and you know what they say about talents...don't waste them!! So it is always in good use. :o)

*Who asked who out?
Mark asked me...well it was more of a "hey, I have some time off next week, do you want to do something?" I was more impressed with the fact that he didn't even bother to ask me for my phone number...but he called. That showed me his determintation, well that or his criminal abilities to track me down.

*Who has more siblings?
Mark has 6, I have 3.

*Who wears the pants?
We both do. Even if you hear otherwise!!

I now tag Lisa (haha!).

Fatty Fat Fat

Most of our readers are aware that Melanie and I are expecting our first child in June, a little girl. As I’ve watched Melanie’s body change with the pregnancy I’ve had a chance to contemplate my life and the things that are important. I recently posted my thoughts on pregnancy pet peeves and included a picture of my own growing table muscle. This picture and a period of introspection have made me realize that I am turning into a fat, disgusting pig of a man. If you need proof of this then just click on the above link and scroll to the bottom of the post, I dare you. Exactly a year ago I embarked on a journey to change my health and I was very successful, losing 39 pounds in nine weeks. Unfortunately the graphical representation of my weight in 2007 is a parabola (for those that graduated from Idaho public schools, like me, that’s a shape like a U). It was just after the holidays that I realized that I had really let myself go when I cut my finger and gravy came out. I made up excuses for my laziness, such as “a beautiful tool deserves a nice tool shed” and “I need some winter insulation in Minnesota”, but I’m afraid it is just laziness.

Late last summer my hobbies changed from taking a five mile run to mainlining bacon grease, struggling to breathe and crashing office birthday parties saying things like “I wun summa dat cake”. I have seriously thought about getting a bench to go in the shower because that much work makes me light-headed. Over the last year I have shown extreme dedication to both sides of the health coin, losing weight and getting healthy in a short amount of time and absolutely letting yourself go. If you are looking for advice on how to get back in shape, then please consult Bob and Jillian, if you are looking for the perfect recipe to become, as Mel calls me, a fatty fat fat then keep reading. There are a few things that you are going to need in this endeavor: a blind or forgiving spouse, an internet connection, stretchy pants and a fondness for loose stools.

Here are three simple steps to a life of celibacy and bed sores:

Step one: You must change the way you look at food. There are now only three food groups, carbs, pork and mystery creams. The carb group is very important, one of my favorite recipes is to get a loaf of white bread, peel the crust off each piece and discard it, squish all of the remaining middle pieces together into one fantastic bread ball and enjoy. Refined flour is one of nature’s miracles, natural and good for you. Don’t be afraid to experiment with foods in the carb group, as the Simpsons say,”Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop Tarts”. The pork group entails anything that comes from a pig, would be eaten by a pig and sounds like it maybe has something to do with pigs. My two staples from this group are bacon and pork rinds. Bacon is like salt, it goes on every meal. Anything that is not served with bacon should at least be cooked in its grease. The last food group contains anything with a mystery cream in it such as Twinkies, most Little Debbie snacks and my personal favorite Zingers. Zingers are twinkies with frosting for overachievers. Zingers are to snack foods what Britney Spears is to child stars. Many fatties are know to skip the actual food surrounding the cream and go right to eating frosting out of the can.

Step two: Laziness. There are countless ways to encourage sloth in your life; buy a bigscreen, blog, play World of Warcraft, become a Democrat, learn to totally pown n00bs, use your speakerphone, really try to improve your Second Life, manage a fantasy baseball team, subscribe to O magazine, develop your Ghost Whisperer skills, coach Notre Dame football, etc.

Step three: Come to grips with reality. This is a long hard process that will take the most intense mental effort you have ever exerted. You will be tempted at times to rejoin society by actually being active, putting clothes on over your underwear and wiping after defecating, but do not fall into this trap. These are the best days of your life. You should emphasise your new look by wearing a t-shirt while swimming, tucking the bottom half of your stomach into your too tight pants, thus showing off your FUPA, and if you are female, by going braless. Contrary to popular belief, stretch marks aren’t just for pregnant ladies. There are countless advantages that you have over your peers now, extra time to watch soap operas, the freedom to get all the cats you want, no fear of contracting STD’s and you don’t have to save for retirement because you will be dead long before that.

Mark is pissed and unfunny.

I had prepared a blog to post today that is typical Mark humor, penis jokes and attempts at self deprecating humor, but I am going to delay posting it because I have something else on my mind. Those who know me know that I am a pretty easy going guy who probably comes off as an a-hole. Those who know me better know that I love politics and debating current events. Those who know me really well know that I am actively involved in my church and have very strong feelings about it (please don’t think of me as too much of a hypocrite from my prior posts). Today I want to talk politics and religion for just a minute, and then I will get back to potty humor.

I must admit that even though I am Mormon, I could never get real excited about Mitt Romney. On paper I thought he was the best candidate, but I always thought he was a little disingenuous. I think it would be irresponsible to support a political candidate just because they share my faith, skin color or genitalia. I don’t think Mormons should vote for Mormons because of religion and I think the same applies to Catholics, Baptists, Jews, Atheists or anyone else.

If someone wants to use their faith as a stepping stone to a political office then they have that right. What displeases me is when someone uses another person’s faith to bring them down in a political race. When Mike Huckabee brought up controversial Mormon beliefs he knew that it may hurt Romney’s polling numbers. I realize that politics is a dirty game and that personal attacks are often used, but you should be careful when attacking certain things. If he wants to attack a religion then he should have just attacked. I have been criticized for my religious beliefs in the past and I certainly will be criticized in the future, but don’t act innocent when bringing up my beliefs and claim that “I don’t know much about Mormonism”. A pastor with a theology degree should have been exposed to basic Mormon tenets, especially one who attended and addressed his church’s convention held in Salt Lake City in 1998 with the intention of confronting Mormons about their beliefs. If Mike Huckabee believes what his church teaches, that Mormonism is a heretical cult, than come out and say it, I’ve heard it before, but don't give me any of this patronizing BS about not knowing much about it while making backhanded insults. When Jesus reproached the Pharisees at least he had the guts to say it to their face and didn’t apologize afterwards and claim ignorance.

Many will say that this is just the rambling of a sore loser, but as a Republican I think that McCain is a better nominee than Romney as far as his odds of winning the presidency. I will support McCain, but I will not support any ticket that has Mike Huckabee on it. I took his attacks personally, as a Mormon. I hope that he did apologize to Romney for his statements, but an apology to the other 13 million or so Mormons would be nice.

Cheers: to Mitt Romney for running a solid campaign and doing what was best for his country and party by graciously stepping aside today.

Jeers: to me for bringing up politics and religion in the same post.

(Don’t worry, I will be back to my dirty minded, sarcastic self shortly).

How Many is Too Many?

Ever have the problem of needing nail clippers ASAP, but you can't find them anywhere? I seem to run into that problem quite a bit. I'm not sure WHY I have that problem...maybe I don't own any clippers? Or maybe I don't remember where I put them?? True enough that I can never remember where I put them the last time I used them, but it's not like they are the only pair in the house. When I finally do find a pair - it's not the good pair. It's the pair that doesn't have the little file attached and the clipping part is dull so your nail is all scratchy..I hate that!!

So you'd think if you kept a couple pairs in the house, you'd be able to find the good ones, right? Wrong. I did a little mental count this morning and I think we probably have 10 pairs of nail clippers...but could I find the good ones this morning? Nope. Just the dull ones that make my nails scratchy and the one that catches the nail clippings, but doesn't have a file (who doesn't need a little file on their nail clippers??). I suppose I could just be like Mark and use his small pocket knife to slice my unwanted nails off.... or maybe I should just tie them to a string and attach them to my sleeves, like little kid mittens!!

Will It Ever End?

The short and easy answer to that question is no. However, if I left it at that, this blog wouldn't make any sense!
Let me try again, "will the politics of politics ever end?" I know no better adjective to describe how I feel about politics other than political. Politics has become just too political. There are polls and statistics for every things; how did women vote, how did women under 30 vote, how did a certain race vote, how did genders within that race vote, etc. If it is so important for candidates to win a certain demographic, why don't they just come right out with it? Forget the "political correctness" and just say it. Hillary, "vote for me because I'm a woman and so are you", Huckabee, "I'm a Baptist, so are you" and so on. To me, a candidate should represent the majority of the people based on their positions on the issues (economy, health care, taxes, etc) not if we share the same chromosome, religion or race. If a 30 year old white woman is voting for Hillary, should I vote for her too because I am 30 and white? What about Mitt? He's LDS, so am I - do I vote for him? McCain's white, do I vote for him? I guess that leaves out Obama since I am not a man, Black or his religion. Seems a simple way to whittle down the choice of candidates - let's just openly discriminate! Why don't people take the time to find out the candidates positions on issues you feel strongly about. It won't take long, and there are enough websites to help you with your choices. Voting is a personal matter, and it is your responsibilty to find out who best represents you and your beliefs, not what Oprah believes. While Oprah is entitled to her opinion, I think anyone who yields that much public influence/power, needs to be careful. I hope most people take the time to make educated decisions, but you know many people who love Oprah think that, "if Oprah likes him, he must be good, so I like him too". Just because you might like the same book as Oprah, doesn't mean you feel the same way about tax reform or health care as Oprah. Let Oprah back whomever she wants, but I think she (and other celebrities who publicily endorse candidates) has a responsibilty to say, "I have done my research, this person gets my vote, now you do your research and decide your vote." The overall message being the importance of voting. An educated vote has a much more meaningful message than a popularity vote.
Another issue I have with the current politicking is the focus on Hillary Clinton for the sole issue of being a woman. If she becomes even slightly emotional everyone jumps on her for not handling her emotions (what would she do in a war?). If she wears a shirt that is below her collarbone - oh my goodness cleavage!!! I haven't heard anything about the hideous ties worn by some of the candidates at a Republican debate. No one got on Mitt Romney's case for becoming emotional during his interview with Chris Matthews...how come? It's a double standard and it shouldn't happen.
While some might consider me to be a very opininated person, I don't usually strike up political conversations, but I find politics in the U.S. to be so different! Primaries, caucuses (who created that word anyway?), delegates...starting the process 2 years before the actual election... Why a party would even hold primaries when they don't award delegates is also beyond my grasp. It's like announcing the Oscar for Best Film, but then not giving them the award because it doesn't really matter anyway. Why have the vote if it means nothing? It's a giant waste of time and resources.
I wish I could say that it will all be over soon, but I know that would be a lie. Once these primaries are over, it just starts up all over again. Lucky me this year - the RNC is being held in Minneapolis! Oh joy, live coverage every day. Then the actual election and debates start....at least I know that come the end of January, things will quite down for at least a year, right??
One last comment...I can't even vote down here so take it with a grain of salt. Just do me the favour of educating yourself before you vote. Don't fall prey to the vote for me because I am just like you mentality.
So to answer my question, no, it will never end (and the same can be said for this post!!)

Tribute to a Friend

It's been 8 months since we last saw each other, spoke to each other... and now you've returned expecting me to come running back to you, with open arms no less...and with no guarantee that you will stay. Do you think I should be happy you're back? Will I even come back? Do you even have to wonder if I would be back...really?
We all knew I would be back. I've been eagerly anticipating your return, marking my calendar, making sure everyone knew we would be reunited, gathering any news about you and your return that I could get my hands on. There is no question that I have been a faithful friend, through apparent good times and bad times. Even when you would go away for a week here and 3 weeks there....you knew I would be here when you came back, you can't shake me that easily.
So now you're back... how do I feel? It's beyond words. It's like you've never been gone. There was no disappointment; only anticipation at what you would bring me. You did not let me down; you provided suspense and awe and marvel at every corner. I find myself disappointed only in knowing that I won't see you again for a week. And even though I know our time is fleeting, I will take what you can give. I know it is not your fault that you will leave again in 7 weeks, I know you would stay if you could, but you don't make those decisions.
Perhaps our time together will be extended, only time will tell, but until then, I will have to wait to see you until next Thursday at 8:00CST so we can make the most out of the fleeting moments we have left. I find solace in knowing that when you are gone again, I will be able to relive our past time together at the touch of a button.