Ode to Rigby

It's time once again for my annual pilgrimage to Rigby, Idaho and it's got me thinking about my hometown. I love my hometown and wouldn't be the bitter shell of a man I am today if I had been raised anywhere else. Although I am one of the few who left the meth labs in my rearview mirror long ago, I still pine for the bambinos, big hair and pickup trucks of my youth. To give you an indication of what Rigby is like, I now live in a town named Coon Rapids and it is a cosmopolitan mecca of culture compared to Rigby.

Here are some quick facts about Rigby:

• Rigby has about 3,000 people, and four bloodlines.
• The largest exports from Rigby are Methamphetamines, babies and crippling depression.
• Rigby was once featured in Playboy magazine for it's abnormally high teen pregnancy rate, but little did they know that most of these girls had been happily married for five years before having kids.
• 90 percent of all Senior pranks involve sheep.
• My highschool janitor was elected mayor.
• Other towns taunt Rigby dance team members with sayings like, "It's a vagina, not a clown car".
• The best restaurant in town is on a street named after a racist slur.
• Joseph Conrad once visited the town and then wrote a novel based on his experience.
• Most women don't change their last name when they get married; this isn't due to feminist ideals, it's because they don't have to.
• Kate Gosselin is often listed as young girl's most admired public figure.
• Most rape incidents involve a harness and oats.
• This cake was decorated in Rigby.
• Rigby's international sister city is Shitterton, England, but the citizens of Shitterton are too embarassed to put it on their sign.
• John McCain made a campaign stop in Rigby and said, "this is the worst place I've ever been".
• And perhaps the most telling sign that the standards in Rigby are too low, my life is viewed as a resounding success.