6.17.2009

Ode to Rigby

It's time once again for my annual pilgrimage to Rigby, Idaho and it's got me thinking about my hometown. I love my hometown and wouldn't be the bitter shell of a man I am today if I had been raised anywhere else. Although I am one of the few who left the meth labs in my rearview mirror long ago, I still pine for the bambinos, big hair and pickup trucks of my youth. To give you an indication of what Rigby is like, I now live in a town named Coon Rapids and it is a cosmopolitan mecca of culture compared to Rigby.

Here are some quick facts about Rigby:
  • Rigby has about 3,000 people, and four bloodlines.
  • The largest exports from Rigby are Methamphetamines, babies and crippling depression.
  • Rigby was once featured in Playboy magazine for it's abnormally high teen pregnancy rate, but little did they know that most of these girls had been happily married for five years before having kids.
  • 90 percent of all Senior pranks involve sheep.
  • My highschool janitor was elected mayor.
  • Other towns taunt Rigby dance team members with sayings like, "It's a vagina, not a clown car".
  • The best restaurant in town is on a street named after a racist slur.
  • Joseph Conrad once visited the town and then wrote a novel based on his experience.
  • Most women don't change their last name when they get married; this isn't due to feminist ideals, it's because they don't have to.
  • Kate Gosselin is often listed as young girl's most admired public figure.
  • Most rape incidents involve a harness and oats.
  • This cake was decorated in Rigby.
  • Rigby's international sister city is Shitterton, England, but the citizens of Shitterton are too embarassed to put it on their sign.
  • John McCain made a campaign stop in Rigby and said, "this is the worst place I've ever been".
  • And perhaps the most telling sign that the standards in Rigby are too low, my life is viewed as a resounding success.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

No one wants to know what you did to sheep in high school. :)
Didn't know moving away made you that much better than everyone else.

Anonymous said...

No one wants to know what you did to sheep in high school. :)
Didn't know moving away made you that much better than everyone else.

Anonymous said...

I've never even heard of you, yet it sounds like you think you're the town hero.

shana said...

ummm, I remember that poor "dead" sheep being strung up the flag pole; that was you!! I hate you. haha K I don't know any street names in Rigby. Come on, we never used names just landmarks. Probably why the racist slur is still a street sign and the fact most people can't read.

Kristin and Jay said...

I've never even heard of you either. Geez what gives you the right!! =0 hahaha!

awwwwwe, gotta love Rigby and good ole Mark Smith. Your humor cracks me up! And I too am curious on what street you are talking about =) you know I will be driving around Rigby next time I visit just to find it!

jared said...

We must be old or something - nobody else seems to know the name of THAT street. That or they don't have racist relatives that still call it that.

You forgot to mention our favorite sport - seeing who can toss dead animals the farthest. Anybody got a dead coon we can toss around at our family reunion next week?

Anonymous said...

Haha good ol Coon tossing......amazing past time!

Ed Hunting said...

My wife told me, upon reading this, that everything that she ever thought about Rigby has now been validated (she is from Los Angeles). While I tend to agree somewhat, there is a certain nostalgic element that Rigby, Idaho possesses. I have lived in Japan with my family for the past three years and have seen many strange and interesting things, but nothing compares to my up-bringing in Rigby Idaho. I had the opportunity recently to show the movie "Napoleon Dynamite" at my place of work (an Army dental clinic composed of both military and civilian personnel, Japanese, Indian, Korean, Chinese, Filipino and white and black Americans) and it was interesting to see the different reactions. When I explained to them that that indeed is Idaho "culture", they were quite amazed. Yes indeed, good old Rigby, Idaho.

Kara said...

Mark you are the man!! Very good post. Who the Hell is anonymous. They must still be stuck in Rigby, and very jealous that they have not moved to a more upscale city like Roberts, Menan, or Ririe. The only thing I think you left out of your post is that the city bathtub is located a mile north of town in a large sub water pond. It will be nice having you back this week. Don't bring any big city ideas or culture to our small town. By the way 3800 East from County line road to 100 North has,and will always be called "N_gg_r Lane" Thanks Carol.
Written by Aaron

Meg said...

The one thing I always enjoyed about Rigby though was Rigby Lake, it was the only thing worth leaving our amazing town in Rexburg for!

The Heggies! said...

That is so funny. We were just talking with some friends about that roads name the other day. Good old Rigby, there is definitely no other place in the world quite like it.

Anonymous said...

I am from Canada and I just drove through Rigby, Idaho today. I just had to! You see my maiden name is Rigby and when I saw the name on the map I had to turn off the main highway just to see the town. Nowhere on the internet can I find how the town got its name. Do any of you know? Just read the rest of these hilarious posts and had a good laugh. Thanks!My nephew has the last name of Rigby and wants a t-shirt from the town.....is there such a thing and if so where could I buy one on my way home?
Alice