Things I Hate About Christmas

Melanie’s previous post does not do justice to my utter disdain for certain new Christmas songs. Paul McCartney deserves a slow death from cancer, toothaches or rape for inflicting the world with that Christmas song. I would rather eat the Depends off the cast of Matlock than listen to that song again. How much coke does a douchbag have to do before writing those lyrics? I think Mark Chapman had Lennon and McCartney confused.

While on the topic, Melanie mentioned the second worst Christmas song of all time, Last Christmas by Wham. I would rather wear a crotchless thong to a Ricky Martin pool party than be subjected to hearing this song. The only redeeming quality of this song is that it reaffirms my heterosexuality. Any Christmas song is probably crap unless it is sung by Nat King Cole, I challenge you to find a better Christmas album. While on the topic, Mannheim Steamroller, Celine Dion (sorry Jay) and all other modern musicians should stop trying to change and improve Christmas music, and can we cut back on the schmaltz in new Christmas songs? Hey kid, your mom’s dying, I don’t think she really cares about getting new shoes. I will make two exceptions, Barenaked Ladies/ Sarah McLachlan version of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and Crash Test Dummies version of The First Noel.

Other pet peeves at Christmas time are the terrible movies that people watch; if it doesn’t have Jimmy Stewart or Ralphie, than it probably isn’t worth watching. The other night the Peanuts Christmas special was on TV and I realized what a weenie Charlie Brown is. Someone should smack that whiney little brat. Additionally, why do they have to remake Christmas classics? The original Miracle on 34th Street is perfect; it doesn’t need a new ending or a modern twist. Any Christmas movie with Tim Allen, Schwarzenegger, or Jim Carrey should be banned. I will make an exception for Die Hard which was awesome.

I like my Christmas traditions of waking up early to open presents, eating nothing but candy until dinner, and not putting on real clothes all day. Here are some trends that should be stopped:

  • Going to the movies on Christmas day. (This is the only day our Jewish friends have to enjoy the Chinese restaurants and movie theaters by themselves, let’s let them keep it.)
  • Opening presents on Christmas Eve. (If it’s not pajamas, it shouldn’t be opened.)
  • Putting up decorations before Thanksgiving.
  • Leaving Christmas lights on your house all year.
  • Nuts in your Christmas stocking.
  • White elephant gifts.
  • Batteries not included.
  • Blowout football games.
  • Snotty, spoiled kids who get everything they asked for.
  • Smaltzy jewelry commercials. (Hey Zales, my wife realized I am a cheap, unoriginal jerk after the first year, you don’t need to keep reminding her.)

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. I love the tradition, eggnog, chocolate, oranges, gift giving, good music, and being around family and friends. I miss the days when I was a kid and got to listen to my father tell the story of Christ’s birth before we went to bed, and I miss hearing his other Christmas Eve talk about how it was a tough year and we had better enjoy the presents we got, even if it isn’t exactly right, because if someone complains or makes Mom cry there will be hell to pay. I love getting to pick my annual pair of socks out of the tub at Grandma’s house for my Christmas present. I love big family dinners even if you have to put up with the a-hole uncle that everybody thinks is probably a child molester; food like baked turkey, smoked turkey, fried turkey, stuffing, pies, mashed potatoes, Nanaimo bars and Lindor Balls. This truly is the most wonderful time of the year when good people become even better and a-holes turn into even bigger a-holes. Please have a Merry Christmas (not Xmas or Holidays) and if I hear Sir Paul McDouches Christmas song again you may be seeing me on CNN.


Krista said...

LOLOLOLOL! I find myself agreeing with most of this stuff (except I would definitely add the Barenaked/McLachlan song to the banned list...ewwwww!) Mark, I just realized how much I missed you- no one around here will be pissy with me about stuff like this...long live cynicism! And awesome about the bin of socks at Grandma's- reading this definitely sheds better life on my childhood- at very least, thanks for that.

Grandma Smith said...

Oh My Heck!!What kind of a home did you grow up in. Really I don't think I have laughed so hard in a very long time. Thanks for the memories. Krista I'm so glad this makes you feel better about your childhood. It differently shed's light on why I was never mother of the year. Favorite movie of all time has to be White Christmas. LYL

The Decaria's said...

Mark, I have never seen this side of you before. I kind of like it.

Trisha Martin said...

Mark thanks for bringing back the repressed memories of our childhood. The thousands of dollars of therapy just went right down the toilet:)! And the thought of you at a Ricky Martin party even in your "speedo" is enough to make me want to puke. I've found that I actually miss the sock/glove bucket. Now I have to buy them on my own! Oh,and I think mom could never qualify for "mother of the year" because she had children like you,who are just like their father!

Stephen and Katherine Heggie said...

Between this post and Jareds I started thinking about my Christmas likes and dislikes. I don't know as I ever had to many dislikes till I moved to Florida, but here are a couple. I hate Weather in the eighties in December, and this one just got added to my list last week... Mall santas that have long gray ponytails and look like they are in their mid-thirties(CREEPY!)

Emma said...

This is totally cracking me up. I haven't laughed this hard in several days.