12.04.2007

Ingredients for Perfect Christmas Music

Murder, alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, neglect of senior citizens and probably animal cruelty...sounds like inspiration to me!!

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog.
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd forgot her medication,
and she staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found her Christmas mornin,'
at the scene of the attack.
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.
Chorus
Now were all so proud of Grandpa.
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.
It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
Chorus
Now the goose is on the table.
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
that would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.
I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
Chorus
Chorus


I honestly don't know where to begin. After a 2 hour plus commute home yesterday (wouldn't you think Minneapolis could handle 3-5 inches of snow throughout the day?? Apparently not), we got off the bus and into the car, where the radio is tuned to the all Christmas song station (although I know Mark only listens to it because I am in the car - once I am gone, or that hideous Paul McCartney song comes on, he quickly turns the station). So as we drive home, the station comes back from break, and this is the song they play. I know this song gets played a lot, but I sat there thinking..."Why??" Is this a serious Christmas song? Mark pointed out that maybe it was written in jest...I say who cares, it is the stupidest song ever. Who writes a song about their old, medication-needing, drunk Grandma getting killed on Christmas Eve by a reindeer?? That is one home I do not want to be in on Christmas morning. Lovely how Grandpa deals with the death by watching football and drowning his sorrows in beer. I know that's what I would be doing if my Grandma was hooved (or would it be hoofed?) to death. I guess the moral of this song is that even if your loved ones bites the bullet on Christmas Eve, just hope that it is due to Santa or one of his reindeer...that way at least you'll know that Santa is real (hopefully he didn't lose any of your presents while he was busy killing your Grandma). How this song has anything to do with the actual reason, or even the commercial reason at the very least is completely lost on me. Why do stations play this song?? The WORST. THING. EVER. about this song? The fact that it has been stuck on repeat in my head since I heard it in the car 3 hours ago!! Nice. Thanks a lot.
I was just going to ramble on about the stupidity of that stupid song, but I thought since I brought it up, I would do Mark the favour of sharing with the world his complete hatred (and I say that with the strongest emphasis possible of that word) for the ever popular Christmas ditty...

The mood is right
The spirits up
We're here tonight
And that's enough
Simply having a wonderful christmastime
Simply having a wonderful christmastime
The party's on

The feelin's here
That only comes
This time of year
Chorus
The choir of children sing their song
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding Ohhhh Ohhhhhhh
Chorus
The word is out About the town
To lift a glass
Ahhh don't look down
Chorus
The choir of children sing their song
They practiced all year long
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
The party's on
We're here tonight
And that's enough
Chorus
The moon is right
The spirits up
We're here tonight
And that's enough
Chorus
Chorus
Ohhhhhhhhh Christmastime


Just seeing those words typed here will probably send him into a subconscious-induced fit of rage, so hopefully none of his co-workers are within arms length of him. Just look at those lyrics...poetry! How Sir Paul came up with them is a mystery. This should be studied in English classes the world over!! Mark's hatred of this song runs so deep, that he would rather listen to his one other dreaded Christmas songs (which is one of my personal modern favourites - but I will spare the sprawl of lyrics) Last Christmas by Wham (LOVE it). He would also rather listen to any song by Swedish sensation ABBA AND Mr. Roboto by Styx. I think he would probably listen to any of these alternatives on a solid loop rather than hear Sir Paul wax lyrically on his Christmas enjoyment. Perhaps Paul shared a little of Grandpa's beer with him after Grandma was run over by a reindeer?
As for me and Grandpa....I think we'll stick to the classics, accompanied by a few mandatory modern hits like the Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McLachlan collaboration. Of course Sir Paul's rendition is now making it's way through every nook and cranny of my grey matter. Thanks. I'll go to bed dreaming of murderous reindeer and wonderful Christmas times with the right spirit, the moon up and my banging my head against the wall hoping the songs will depart from my brain!!

4 comments:

Alisha and Dave said...

I happen to love both of those songs. I'm kidding. I can recall changing the station everytime either song is on. I have to say that I do love songs by Boney M.... I don't think people share the appreciation though... oh well.

The Porter's said...

Your crackin me up Mel!!

Krista said...

LOL. Love it. your rants crack me up so!

The Decaria's said...

So with you one this Mel. I had a 10 minute conversation with Ethan the other day explaining to him why I didn't think "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" a good cartoon for him to watch. As if the song weren't bad enough...